The Hideous Quartet
Fear crept in last week. It started with worry, then regret followed, along with lack of faith. What a hideous quartet!
My 5th year anniversary commemorating the start of my employment is arriving. I recieved in the mail a congratulatory letter with a catalog of gift items to choose from to honor this career milestone. I can't believe it's been 5 years. I thought of how much my life has changed since my hire date. I was going through a divorce then. I am now divorced. I was a home-schooling mom. I am now a career woman. I climb utilty poles as part of my job duties for a communications company. When I started, I prayed every time I climbed the ladder with knees shaking. I was fearful of heights. I now pray that I don't become complacent and careless. I pray I stay keenly aware of the safety hazards before me.
I thought about my age and how much longer can I possibly do this. I visited the pain and disappointment of a failed marriage. I missed the life of a home schooling mom. I looked into the future with my "natural" eyes and it looked bleak . My stomach was churning and I literally felt sick. Gloom and despair were flittering moths inside my stomach.
Fear accompanied me to bed that night. I let him climb in with me. I pulled the covers tight around us both. I dreamt of visiting an elderly couple in a victorian house with my ex husband (although he wasn't my ex in the dream.) Upon arrival, I discovered they had been murdered. Their bodies are left lying in a pool of blood. My attention is quickly diverted to this house with it's collection of unique ornate victorian items, almost a museum of sorts. I was looking at some of the deceased couple's collection. I am riffling through their stuff. It's a dream mind you. I boy of about 12 arrives looking for the older couple because they were to attend a symphony that evening with him. I pull a knife out and put it to the kid's throat. It's a dream.....I ask about the food he is carrying and tell him that we need to be cautious because he could be someone who might want to poison the couple. Why do I do this? I do it because I am in a house with murdered people and I find myself captivated by their belongings so I am going through their stuff out of curoisity. I am ashamed to be caught by the boy and am trying to cover up the fact that I am wandering this museum house with dead people whom I didn't kill....but who'd believe it now? I mean who decides to take a house tour after finding murdered people? Now I am sure that I am going to go to prison for murdering these people because who would pull a knife on a kid unless they were guilty?......My husband? He is just standing there. I made all these decisions without his input. So we leave in different cars and when I get home I find he is having a garage sale and selling my prized possessions. "That's it." I say. " I'm divorcing you!" I wake up. Fear has been replaced with dread.
I don't want to go to work. Of course, I go. I need the money. This is not the life I planned. I am starting from square one after 23 years of marriage. I didn't deserve this and neither did my kids.
These thoughts direct my focus from time to time. Something triggers them and then...fear,worry,regret, and lack of faith show up. These are not the tools of an intercessor. These are tools of the devil. The horned one wraps them up as a devilish present. I take them out and amuse myself with them.
I run to my heavenly Father. He reminds me of Phillipians 4:8 "Whatsoever things are pure....whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are true....think on these things." My Father also reminds me that he knows the plans he has for me , plans to give me a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11.) He tells me that he is the creator of the universe and that there is nothing too hard for him. He whispers in my ear of the love he has for me. I am once again refreshed and made whole by God's word. Faith in my God is stirred up by meditating on the word and God's ever present faithfulness.
Help me Lord to focus on your word, your plans, your love, and your power. Help me to keep foremost in my mind that he who is within me is greater than he who is within the world. Let the Holy Spirit guide me as he guided Christ. Keep me on the narrow path. Grant me a heart that is obedient to your callings. Let my mind stay convinced of your faithfulness.
My 5th year anniversary commemorating the start of my employment is arriving. I recieved in the mail a congratulatory letter with a catalog of gift items to choose from to honor this career milestone. I can't believe it's been 5 years. I thought of how much my life has changed since my hire date. I was going through a divorce then. I am now divorced. I was a home-schooling mom. I am now a career woman. I climb utilty poles as part of my job duties for a communications company. When I started, I prayed every time I climbed the ladder with knees shaking. I was fearful of heights. I now pray that I don't become complacent and careless. I pray I stay keenly aware of the safety hazards before me.
I thought about my age and how much longer can I possibly do this. I visited the pain and disappointment of a failed marriage. I missed the life of a home schooling mom. I looked into the future with my "natural" eyes and it looked bleak . My stomach was churning and I literally felt sick. Gloom and despair were flittering moths inside my stomach.
Fear accompanied me to bed that night. I let him climb in with me. I pulled the covers tight around us both. I dreamt of visiting an elderly couple in a victorian house with my ex husband (although he wasn't my ex in the dream.) Upon arrival, I discovered they had been murdered. Their bodies are left lying in a pool of blood. My attention is quickly diverted to this house with it's collection of unique ornate victorian items, almost a museum of sorts. I was looking at some of the deceased couple's collection. I am riffling through their stuff. It's a dream mind you. I boy of about 12 arrives looking for the older couple because they were to attend a symphony that evening with him. I pull a knife out and put it to the kid's throat. It's a dream.....I ask about the food he is carrying and tell him that we need to be cautious because he could be someone who might want to poison the couple. Why do I do this? I do it because I am in a house with murdered people and I find myself captivated by their belongings so I am going through their stuff out of curoisity. I am ashamed to be caught by the boy and am trying to cover up the fact that I am wandering this museum house with dead people whom I didn't kill....but who'd believe it now? I mean who decides to take a house tour after finding murdered people? Now I am sure that I am going to go to prison for murdering these people because who would pull a knife on a kid unless they were guilty?......My husband? He is just standing there. I made all these decisions without his input. So we leave in different cars and when I get home I find he is having a garage sale and selling my prized possessions. "That's it." I say. " I'm divorcing you!" I wake up. Fear has been replaced with dread.
I don't want to go to work. Of course, I go. I need the money. This is not the life I planned. I am starting from square one after 23 years of marriage. I didn't deserve this and neither did my kids.
These thoughts direct my focus from time to time. Something triggers them and then...fear,worry,regret, and lack of faith show up. These are not the tools of an intercessor. These are tools of the devil. The horned one wraps them up as a devilish present. I take them out and amuse myself with them.
I run to my heavenly Father. He reminds me of Phillipians 4:8 "Whatsoever things are pure....whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are true....think on these things." My Father also reminds me that he knows the plans he has for me , plans to give me a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11.) He tells me that he is the creator of the universe and that there is nothing too hard for him. He whispers in my ear of the love he has for me. I am once again refreshed and made whole by God's word. Faith in my God is stirred up by meditating on the word and God's ever present faithfulness.
Help me Lord to focus on your word, your plans, your love, and your power. Help me to keep foremost in my mind that he who is within me is greater than he who is within the world. Let the Holy Spirit guide me as he guided Christ. Keep me on the narrow path. Grant me a heart that is obedient to your callings. Let my mind stay convinced of your faithfulness.
posted by Truthful at 9:30 PM
5 Comments:
This is a beautiful post truthful and quite piercing and quite relevant. First of all I have to say about the title that The Four Quartets by T.S. Eliot, well my muse's commentary on it, is my light in the darkness, my Galadriel's light in Shelob's cave. Why? This Four Quartets ties into everything about Western Civilization that I rejected and makes it beautiful. And although I can not pursue English as a teaching career, it will be my companion in my darkest night.
I had no idea you too went through a divorce. No wonder you like my blog. Today I filed the fee waiver with my attorney. Thursday morning I pick up the papers to serve my husband. I told him. It is not a hostile divorce, it is an understanding, a tragic understanding, that things didn't work out. He has a new girlfriend. I have no one.
I am happy you shared your story with the public. It helped me.
You have been through so much and are in 'transition' from one kind of life to another. I am glad you are able to seek God's comfort, and I hope you are reaching out to other people too for you need and deserve the extra support. Are the children grown and out of the nest?
Johnny, I have a 22 yr old daughter that lives with me. The other 2 are out of the nest.
I do have a good christian friend. She is a great sounding board. She is literally an answer to prayer. Praise God for He knows what we need!!!
Thanks for stopping by my blog. I have visited your blog and truly enjoy it. I like Charles' post also (one of your recommendations.)Please keep writing!
Olympiada, You are a writing machine. It is sometimes hard for me to get some writing time in. Please know that you are in my thoughts and that I am praying for you.
T - yeah my verbal intelligence is well what it is...do not worry about me...I have found other out lets.
O
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