Something Deeper

Honest communication is a rare thing and to weigh the weight of truth and sprinkle it with love a delicate balance. Love and old habits and ways of thinking of a marriage now long dead and gone still follow me into this new life with you. Physical love never denied was a pact I shared with my ex husband. Emotional and spiritual love were often neglected and left open for speculation in private hearts never to be spoken out loud and shared. I was left wondering and floundering but physically held close so I clung to what I had....hoping for something deeper. I have a watchful heart that wants to share all of me but is afraid of this love being a lie, afraid that you will leave me poor and alone, left to fend for myself in later years. Fearful that this love is second to the bond of the woman you had children with and that my children will never share in anything more than your words of encouragement for their future. They are not the fruit of your loins. Their father and their hope, their inheritance are in heaven. Your private plans and thoughts,those things you protect and I sense hold my heart at bay. A family shares all but it really isn't the case here. I shared all I had. Body, mind and soul with a man who took and did not give. I share a part with you and wonder if I can do it again. Private deals and plans that don't include me hold my heart at bay...maybe forever. I still hope for something deeper.