Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Will You Ever Know?

Dear Husband:

Will you ever really know how much you mean to me, how much I admire and adore you, how I struggle with whether you really love me, find me attractive and why you choose me? I feel my every physical flaw under your microscope and I wince when I think you notice. I can only hope you see me through love's eyes and that it kindles your passion into a roaring fire. My imperfections speak of life's hard lessons on a sometimes weary frame. I long to be held tenderly and passionately.....every part of me, to be known by you for more than my heart and to be your greatest desire. Will you ever know how much of me hangs on your words and insights. I read your gaze and your silence and it reflects what I think of myself. So much of my soul is held in your our hands. Will you ever know the power in your role as priest of the house and lord over me? I keep private fears tucked away and pray you are kind and gentle and will protect my fragile heart. I loved you before I met you and you hold my heart in your hands.

Please Lord, lead him to be loving,careful, and kind.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Judah and Judea and a Sign from God

Sarah and Abraham are on my mind again and brought before my remembrance by a guest preacher this past Sunday evening as B and I attended church. The testimony of Elizabeth and Zachariah and God's awesome power and gift in later years of their son John the Baptist was proclaimed in that country church.

Last Saturday B and I encountered an old friend Shari of his. This encounter brought a spiritual presence of refreshing and openness we both felt. He was talking to her as I left the store. We were on our way to the 4th of July celebration at the family resort. I got in the car and was picking up things on the floor as he went back in to return a video he had forgotten to return that we had brought with us. I turned my head and in the spiritual realm it felt like a door had opened and boom there she was. I could sense the sincerity as she told me she wanted to welcome me to Leelauou county and congratulated me on my marriage to B. She spoke of her recent marriage 2 years ago to a man who was working on her home and then said who would believe I had a child at 45. I said "Let me see." I wanted to see the evidence. And there in a car seat was her half/white half/black infant son. What a blessing. WOW!!! Is the Lord trying to direct B and I?

The weekend before I was praying about having a child with B. I opened a book he had been reading to lay my eyes on the story of Leah and Rachel. I read of how the Lord had compassion on Leah and with her first 3 sons she desired for her husband to love her. No such luck. Jacob loved Rachel. Her 4th child she named Judah because she praised the Lord for her blessing instead of looking for her husband's love. Her 4th child....Is the Lord trying to say something? Christ the lion of the tribe of Judah. I longed for my first husband to love me. Now the Lord has given me a husband that loves me. I would like to honor the Lord and name him Judah. I would like to have twins...boy and girl (Judea.) Would the Lord bless us so?

Would you mighty God preform a miracle on B to reverse his vasectomy or would you have us pay a doctor to perform the operation. I never dreamed before I met B that I would desire another child in later years. I desire to be bonded to this man in this way ...to raise a child with the wisdom and guidance and trust we have in God now in later years... To start again to raise a child now...Mighty God let us not disappoint you in our decisions. We love and trust you. We need you Lord. Let us not fail your plans. Would you give me the desires of my heart? Are my desires pleasing to you Lord? Your will be done Lord.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Something Deeper

Honest communication is a rare thing and to weigh the weight of truth and sprinkle it with love a delicate balance. Love and old habits and ways of thinking of a marriage now long dead and gone still follow me into this new life with you. Physical love never denied was a pact I shared with my ex husband. Emotional and spiritual love were often neglected and left open for speculation in private hearts never to be spoken out loud and shared. I was left wondering and floundering but physically held close so I clung to what I had....hoping for something deeper. I have a watchful heart that wants to share all of me but is afraid of this love being a lie, afraid that you will leave me poor and alone, left to fend for myself in later years. Fearful that this love is second to the bond of the woman you had children with and that my children will never share in anything more than your words of encouragement for their future. They are not the fruit of your loins. Their father and their hope, their inheritance are in heaven. Your private plans and thoughts,those things you protect and I sense hold my heart at bay. A family shares all but it really isn't the case here. I shared all I had. Body, mind and soul with a man who took and did not give. I share a part with you and wonder if I can do it again. Private deals and plans that don't include me hold my heart at bay...maybe forever. I still hope for something deeper.